On the way to a new me

Today marks the dawning of a new era for me. It is the era of the fit, trim, healthy me. That girl used to exist, and years of no exercise and a penchant for McDonald’s at all hours of the day or night, did her in. Until now, when my determination is stronger than ever to bring her back.

I remember, when I was 19, hearing people a little older than me, talk about how they used to eat whatever they wanted, and then one day, it caught up with them. Or, “I wish I could eat like you and not gain a pound. One day it won’t be that easy for you. Mark my words!” Did I listen to them, and start to change my eating habits or exercise habits? Of course not (after all, this is Amy writing this. I’m known for my stubbornness when it comes to these sorts of things). Now, don’t get me wrong, here- I did eat healthy sometimes. I loved (and still do) turkey burgers and ground turkey meat (instead of red meat), grilled chicken breasts, veggies, and fruit. I kept really healthy options at home. It’s just, well, being a 19 year old college student with 2 jobs, I was never home to eat them. But, because I was a 19 year old college student with 2 jobs, I burned off all the fattening calories as fast as I consumed them.

And then, I left college. I got a job working 2^nd, then 3^rd, shift. I also met JP, who was also still in the “I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight” phase of his life, and who thought nothing of eating a quarter pounder with cheese, large sized, at 3 am. So, we played off of one another with bad eating habits. And then one day, it hit us…we weren’t losing the weight like we had in the past. We decided to eat better, and we started our countdown to our wedding. We both had high hopes to be slim & trim for our big day, and then…I broke my ankle and was completely out of commission for close to 5 months. Laying on the couch with minimal physical activity shot “Operation Hot Bride” right out the window. JP slimmed up a bit, but not as much as he’d hoped, either.

Lack of motivation is contagious.

Fast forward from that a few years, and JP and I had both gotten on a good track. We were both regularly in the gym, we were eating better (though still not awesome) and we were both losing weight. I saw numbers on the scale that I hadn’t seen in a while, and it seemed like the weight was just melting off. I was feeling better, looking better…and then, I got pregnant. I barely gained weight during my pregnancy because I was so sick, so I can’t really blame pregnancy for throwing me off track. In fact, I REALLY can’t blame pregnancy at all, because 4 weeks post-partum, I was back down to what I weighed the day the test showed a big fat “positive”. 12 weeks post-partum, I had gained most of the baby weight back, and 5 months post partum, I had added an extra 20lbs to that. Stress, bad eating habits, post partum depression, lack of time (and motivation) to go to the gym, and other factors came into play for this to happen.

But, ultimately, excuses are like butts. Everyone has one. My excuses have gotten me nowhere, except feeling badly about myself. There is nothing worse, for a woman, anyway, than feeling that she is no longer attractive to her significant other. And while JP in no way makes me feel unattractive, I know I don’t look the way I did when we first met, and I am disappointed that I have become the fat wife. Also extremely detrimental to the female psyche is looking in the mirror and only feeling disgust.

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law have told us a story of when they knew they were past their prime attractiveness. They were both so comfortable with each other that they didn’t really worry about it anymore, and one day, when they were eating deep fried donuts, they realized they were never going back to how they looked when they first met. They called this moment “jumping the shark.”

I’m not ready to jump the shark.

I’m not ok with how I look. I’m not ok with how I feel. I’m not ok with the kind of message I’m putting out to my child, with regards to being healthy and active. Things have to change, and they’re changing now.

I have been doing Weight Watchers, and have had success, just not the success I’d been hoping for. This is not because there is a flaw in the program (it’s a great program), or because it’s too hard to do (it’s actually quite simple, if you eat the right things), it’s because I have not been as strict on myself as I should be. I was, at first, and saw great results, and then I just got lax. And more lax, and more lax. I realize that I can’t do this program and see results if I don’t follow the rules. So no more “Oh, I’ll eat these M&M’s today and make it up at the gym in activity points tomorrow” (which, I never did, by the way).

I have also joined a weight loss challenge group on Facebook with some friends. We will weigh in every 2 weeks until Christmas, and whoever loses the largest percentage of weight wins. The first 2 weeks, I didn’t do so great. But, I really wasn’t trying as hard as I could’ve either. So I’m hoping for a better weigh in this Saturday.

You might be scratching your head at this point, asking yourself, “What makes right now so different than the previous 14 months she’s been talking about losing the baby weight? Where’s all this motivation coming from all of a sudden?” I’ve just gotten so tired of looking this way and so disgusted with myself for not being more determined, that I’ve reached my breaking point. I have got to do something. There is no more “maybe” or “I might”. It is “I can” and “I will”.

I have also joined a group at my gym, called the Anytime Fitness Elite. This is something my friend Joe, the owner of the gym, has started. He will be documenting our progress over the course of the program, through journals we keep, before, during, and after photos, and group and one on one meetings. We are going to have fitness plans, and probably even meal plans or at least, meal ideas. This structure is what is motivating me.

Sometimes, I have a hard time getting to the gym. But, on the days I get in there, I have a hard time figuring out how to maximize the time I have. What can I do to get the best workout and burn the most calories, in the time I am there? I tend to stick with what is comfortable- the stationary bike and the treadmill. I avoid the weights and the machines, not because I’m afraid, but because I don’t know what to do or where to start. So I’m looking really forward to having a plan.

My main goal, of course, is to lose weight. I want to look better in the clothes I wear, or even wear smaller clothes hanging in my closet collecting dust. But, losing weight is not my ONLY goal. I want to be fit. Slim is one thing, but fit is another. Have you ever seen the magazine covers, pointing out who has flab in Hollywood? Most of those women aren’t fat. They’re thin, but they’re not fit. They’re what I call “skinny-fat”. They have flabby bellies, jiggly arms, and thighs that rub together, but they don’t weigh more than 115lbs soaking wet. I don’t want to be that. Likewise, I don’t want to be so buff that I lose my feminine “softness”. I’d like to be somewhere in the middle- just fit. I don’t want to live my life eating Lean Cuisines and rice cakes (though I’m willing to do it for the time being), and passing up ice cream on a lazy Sunday with my daughter. I don’t want to be the person that puts gym time ahead of family time. I want to find that balance where I’m happy, healthy, and not cringing when I look in the mirror (or at a size tag in a pair of jeans). I want Lily to understand the importance of eating healthy and being active, not because we tell her but because we’re examples.

My husband and daughter are my whole world. I want to be around for them as long as I possibly can, and I want them to be proud of me. I want to lose this weight and get in shape for the two of them just as much as myself. I didn’t get involved with these programs because I want to “win” in the sense of prizes and rewards. I want to win by losing weight and hitting my goals. I don’t care if I’m in first place or last place, as long as I have personal success, that’s all that matters. I joined these groups for support, motivation, and direction. I am not a competitive person, so I normally don’t do well in challenges, particularly physical ones, but I’m going to give both of the weight loss/get in shape challenges I’m involved in my best shot. Not to win, but to see results.