Things I've learned from my daughter

Lily is now, amazingly, 15 months old already. I can’t think of another 15 month period where my life has changed so much. It’s amazing what an impact a 31 inch tall, 21 lb 4 oz person can have on everything from how early I get up in the morning (6: 15 am, or earlier if munchkin dictates), to what we eat (because we will inevitably be met with fierce demands of “Bite! Bite!! BITE!!”), to where and when we go somewhere (Has Lily had a nap? Do we have a baby sitter? How late do we want to be out past her bedtime?), to even what tv shows we watch (Bubble Guppies. All the time. The same 6 episodes, over and over again.) So, in honor of my sweet, strong-willed angel, I have compiled a list of the top 15 things I’ve learned in the last 15 months of being a Mama.

In no particular order…

1. Babies make messes. Big ones. Even when they’re newborns. There is spit up. There is slobber. There is poop…lots and lots of poop. I still, to this day, have no idea how something so small can poop that much. Then, when they’re past newborns, there is baby food. And more drool. Then, there is that little period of time we’re in now, when they’re not quite babies, but they’re not totally toddlers, either. They’re eating regular foods, usually with their hands, and it goes everywhere, including to the dog. Toys go everywhere. Books, everywhere. More often than not, we end up changing Lily’s clothes after every meal. She refuses to wear a bib (and removes it hastily if we try to sneak one on), and has to feed herself everything (even mashed potatoes, mac n cheese, and spaghetti). This is all a part of her development, she has fun doing it, and hey, that’s what Tide Stain Release, Spray N Wash, and bath time are for. And the dog—my sweet, fur covered vacuum cleaner. I was told when I was pregnant “You haven’t seen anything until you start washing baby laundry. You will do more laundry than you ever thought was possible.” I laughed this off, thinking “Baby clothes are so tiny, and it’s not like the baby is going to be making messes.” Ha. Famous last thoughts! Another thing I hear a lot is “Shouldn’t she have a bib on? Oh she’s made such a mess.” And I think, “Of course she has. But she has managed to use the spoon 5 times this meal, so her dexterity is improving. Yes!!” So, yes, babies make messes. And yes, you spend a lot of time cleaning and washing such messes up, but, I wouldn’t trade the mess for anything.
2. I gave my child formula and she…GREW AND THRIVED!! I’m not knocking breastfeeding. Not one little bit. My plan was to breastfeed and give Lily breastmilk until she was a year old. After the first 2 weeks of her life, when she had only gained 1 oz, still had terrible jaundice, and hadn’t even made it back to her birth weight, I realized that exclusively giving her breast milk was out of the question for us. Our pediatrician, my ob/gyn, and our lactation consultant all agreed that we needed to supplement with formula while I tried to up my supply and while we worked on Lily’s latch and suck. Her latch never got better and my supply never really did, either, in spite of taking over the max dosage of all of the herbs and teas supposed to help, and drinking gallons of water every day. Every single problem (with the exception of thrush) that a baby and a mother could have during breast feeding, we had. Poor latch, flat nipples, low supply, poor suckle, cracked nipples, clogged ducts, post partum depression…I can go on. At 4.5 months, after I was back to work and had even less opportunity to pump, my supply went down to less than 3 oz a day. If we had not chosen to supplement, and ultimately switch to, formula, my child would have failed to thrive completely and been starving. I was disappointed that I couldn’t breastfeed the way I’d planned. I beat myself up over it for a while, and then I realized that I was doing the best thing for my baby, especially after she nearly tripled her weight from 2 weeks to 6 mos and was finally out of the 10^th percentile for weight. I made the right decision for her, which is ALL that matters. I will not be made to feel guilty, or like I failed her, for not being successful at breastfeeding. I’m not apologetic about my feelings towards militant breastfeeding supporters, who have flat out told me that I could’ve “done more” to be successful at it, and that I clearly “gave up” when I should’ve pushed through.
3. Bath time is the best Family time. Ever since Lily was old enough to hold her head up on her own, we’ve taken a different approach to bath time. I fill up the tub and put the toys in. JP puts on swim trunks and gets in the tub with Lily. She gets to play and climb all over JP and he gets Daddy/Lily time. I sit on the outside of the tub and do the washing and get splashed. She gets to stay in the tub longer, because he is in there with her playing, and it’s the greatest bonding experience with her and JP. Now she’ll stand at the side of the tub and say “Daddy!! Daddy!! Bath time!!!”
4. Murphy’s Law applies doubly to babies. A few times, I have had the ridiculous thought “I am only running to the store for a minute. I’ll just leave the diaper bag at home.” Or “Surely I won’t need to take a change of clothes, we’re only going to be gone for a few hours.” Fast forward to me frantically buying a pack of diapers and wipes we didn’t need, or a new outfit for Lily when she has a closet full at home. Sure, lugging around a diaper bag (which we’ve now managed to trim down to a toddler back pack), sucks. It’s heavy, and it’s full of stuff you never need when you carry it for a 5 minute trip to Kroger. But trust me, the one time you don’t take it is when your precious angel will have a poop-splosion to beat all.
5. Kids hear everything. I know, you all are thinking “Duh! Of course they do!” but that is really something we had to learn. Fortunately, we didn’t have to learn this in a terribly hard fashion. Lily has repeated a few words we would’ve liked for her not to say, but, she’s only said them in the confines of our home, when JP and I were the only readily available ears. We’ve been extremely lucky not to have had her yell out something inappropriate in public…at least, yet. Even when we think she’s engrossed to the hilt in Bubble Guppies, or her building blocks or books, she’s listening, and her little sponge brain is soaking up what we say so she can clearly and articulately repeat it to us at a later date, to our shock and chagrin.
6. You have to find what works for you and your child. Lily gets her diapers changed standing up. She has never liked laying on her back, even as a newborn she preferred her side. So, around 6 mos old, she started getting squirmy during diaper changes and when she was getting dressed. Since parenting is ever evolving for us, we started letting her get into whatever position she felt was good, and diapering her that way. This was, and has continued to be, standing up with her hands on the wall (kind of like she’s about to get frisked). It’s what works for us so we roll with it. We co-sleep. I slept on the couch with Lily for the first 6 mos, then I moved to the bed and now we all sleep in the bed. She’s never slept in her crib for more than an hour or two. She probably never will sleep in the crib, and at this point, we’re going to just transition her to a toddler bed when we’re ready (which I’m thinking will be sooner than later). This is what works for us. We have other things that we do that works for us, and things that we don’t do because they don’t work for us. If another family does something we don’t, more power to them because it clearly is what works for them. We don’t knock it, just like we appreciate people who don’t knock what we do.
7. People will always say inappropriate things. Complete strangers have tried to tell me how to parent my child- she had a meltdown in Kroger over a $9 helium balloon that she wanted and I wouldn’t buy- and a complete stranger told me that I needed to buy it for her to make her stop. Excuse me? How ‘bout YOU fork over $9 for a balloon she only wants because I said she can’t have it? People have also asked me if I breastfed, then shook their heads- some because they were disappointed I only did it for 4.5 mos, and others because I did it at all. And I cannot count how many times I’ve been asked about her eyes being two different colors. Most people just ask if they are, and I tell them yes, one is blue and one is brown, and go on my way, and this is fine. I don’t mind people asking that. It’s when they follow the question with “OMG! WHY?!” or “What’s wrong with her?” that irritates me. Then there are all of the people in the world who, when Lily was drenched in pink, asked me if she was a boy or girl.
8. Don’t fret over milestones. Lily hit all of her milestones right on track with the emails I received talking about her development. Then, she was supposed to crawl. And she didn’t. She crawled one time, at 5 months old, and not again until close to 11 months. Of course, by then, the emails were saying she should be starting to walk. She had been holding our fingers and practically running since she was 6 mos old, but she flat out refused to walk…OR crawl. She didn’t take her first step until last month, at 14 months old. She can crawl at the speed of light and she’s come a long way in a short time with walking. But it didn’t stop me from fretting over it. She hit those milestones late, ohmygoshwhatdoIdo!? Well, it could be that her head is in the 94^th percentile for size (meaning, only 6% of children her age have heads bigger than her) and she hovered down in the 30-40% range for height and weight (until the last visit, when she showed above average in height, but still down low in weight), so she was top heavy. Perfectly normal and well proportioned, but just needed a little extra time to be able to get her balance. And, I kept neglecting the fact that she was hitting many, many other milestones early (cutting teeth, eating with a spoon, drinking out of a straw) and her language skills are off the charts. Most children her age know 15-20 words, and here is Lily with close to 100 words and is even putting together basic sentences. I’ve learned that my child is strong willed, and stubborn, and it doesn’t matter if she CAN do something…if she doesn’t want to, she is NOT going to do it. She could crawl, she just didn’t want to. Given how fast she’s taken to walking, she probably could do that, too, and just didn’t want to. I fretted over nothing.
9. TV, and sugar, won’t rot your child’s brain or teeth. Just this morning, Lily watched an episode of her favorite show “Bubble Guppies”. On this show, they discussed colors, and she turned around and said “Orange” and then “Purple” to me. I thought she was just repeating what she’d heard, but I asked her to show me something purple. She pointed immediately to my cell phone, which has a purple silicone case. I asked her to show me something orange, and she pointed to one of her blocks, which was, in fact, orange. She is not staring at the tv mindlessly, in a fog. She is learning things. I credit everyone around us talking to her all the time and reading to her often, as part of her language development, but I also owe credit where credit is due: to Moose & Zee on Nick Jr, along with Dora, Diego, the Backyardigans, and most recently, the cute little “gukkies”. As for sugar, for the longest time, Lily did not have a sweet tooth. At 10 months, I gave her a piece of brownie and she gagged and threw up. She still doesn’t like cake and other sweet confections. She does, however, like ice cream and cookies. A cookie, or a few spoonfuls of ice cream, every few days, isn’t going to hurt her. She will be fine, as long as we teach her that sugary treats are just that: treats. She still would rather have a piece of broccoli or a green pea over a cookie any day of the week, and I am totally ok with that, but I will not make sweets off limits or restrict them completely. I have seen this back fire with a lot of my adult friends- the ones with the worst sweet tooth were the ones who weren’t allowed to have treats when they were little.
10. It doesn’t matter what (or how many) toys a kid has. Lily is spoiled rotten. I’m the first to say it. We’re all guilty of doing it, too. She really is a good baby, so it’s hard not to buy her stuff. She has so many toys, both bought and inherited from her cousins, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t care if she has one toy or one hundred thousand toys. A few nights ago, she played with a Scentsy bar (in the plastic case, of course), JP’s shoes, and a DVD case she pretended was a phone. She had literally a hundred things (blocks, stuffed animals, books, etc) around her, and those were what she bee-lined for. She is perfectly happy trying to wear my high heels or trying to climb on JP’s foam roller, or stacking up and knocking over her blocks, it’s all one and the same to her.
11. If you think your child won’t be interested in it, can’t reach it, or won’t try to open it, he or she will definitely do it. Every time I have said “Oh, she won’t try to open that cabinet” or “She isn’t interested in your xbox remote” or “She doesn’t know how to turn the tv off”…she does. It’s like deep down, she has to prove me wrong (it’s clearly the teenage girl coming out in her early). So we’ve baby gated, baby proofed, moved things higher than 31 inches (plus a few more inches in arm’s reach), and hoped for the best. And as I watched her try to scale the tv stand last night in an attempt to get closer to the Bubble Guppies, then later, pull DVDs off of the DVD rack and barely miss her head, I realized we still have work to do, and I should never say “Oh, she won’t…can’t…doesn’t” because she will, can, and do.
12. No matter what you do, someone will think it’s wrong. Whether the debate is controversial like to pacifier or not to pacifier, to co-sleep or crib sleep, formula or breast, or non-controversial such as letting your child sleep in a diaper instead of pajamas, or letting them eat with their hands at 13 months old instead of spoon feeding them, or giving them a brownie after dinner instead of apple slices…someone will have a differing opinion than yours. Someone will think it’s wrong, will have a better way to do it, and will not hesitate to tell you. The best thing in the world is to take their “advice” with a grain of salt and keep doing it the way you were (unless of course it’s genuinely detrimental to your child’s health). Not everyone is going to agree with your style of parenting, but as long as it benefits your child and works for your family, keep it up.
13. Not everything will go according to “The Plan”. In my labor and delivery class, we talked a lot about birth plans, but then we also talked a lot about complications and issues that can arise during the birthing process, as well as with newborns. I decided that I would not be making a birth plan, and that I would just go with the flow of whatever happened. And, given our situation (at the doctor one day for my 36 week check-up, and at the hospital the next night being induced 4 weeks early), it’s probably a good thing that I was able to squelch the “planner” inside of me. And, thus far, nothing has gone the way the books describe. Nothing. But, don’t get me wrong—this is not a bad thing. Everyone always tells me I am so laid back and calm about Lily, and 99% of the time, I am. We have just been through so much with her- the whole problem at the end of my pregnancy (which could’ve resulted in us losing her), the deal with her eye (and the scare of tumors), etc- that I’m not sweating the small stuff. I mean, is being anal about precise feeding times and nap lengths going to benefit us if she’s still hungry (or overfull) or still tired (or overly energized)? No. “Ideal” for us would have been a full term, breast fed baby who sleeps through the night in her own crib. We didn’t get any of that, but you know what? Lily is absolutely, 100% perfect, happy, well-adjusted, and extremely smart, and I have no regrets about any of our decisions.
14. Sometimes other people’s advice is worth hearing. Sometimes, every so often, good advice comes out of the midst of all of the drivel of advice a Mom receives. This advice generally comes from the same small group of people (who have children of their own, usually under the age of 10), is not meant maliciously or to insinuate bad parenting, actually is extremely helpful, and, best of all, is usually solicited (and if it isn’t solicited advice, it’s prefaced by something along the lines of “I know you haven’t asked my opinion, but I can tell you something that worked great for me was….”) Read this line: THIS ADVICE IS WORTH HEARING. Even if you don’t take it, it’s still worth hearing, because every baby isn’t the same, and what you don’t do this go round, you might do the next time.
15. I never realized how fast time flies by. I can’t believe Lily is already 15 months old. It’s been 2 years since I found out I was pregnant. I also can’t believe how fast babies grow, learn, and develop. She’s still on the petite side for babies her age, so sometimes I lose sight of how much bigger she is. Then I find a pair of newborn socks, or a onesie I forgot to pack away and it makes me sad to see how much she’s grown, yet at the same time, amazed to see what she is growing into. She is a funny, curious, mischievous, extremely smart, stubborn, tomboy princess who is a perfect mix of JP and I. You can’t help but smile when you’re around her because her personality is huge and infectious. I can’t wait to see what is in store for us.